Chuck Wood's Blog

NEW KIWI LAND

2010-02-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Well.. here we go.
Down Under to the other down under that's not Australia but the Kiwi land!
NEW ZEEEEEEELand... I love NZ. Great chicks there, beautiful countryside, (yeah right.. like I'm awake during the day!!) Cheap drugs too!
I know a guy on K road who can get me anything a puppet desires! Sweet as!
Why are they called Kiwi's?
Is it from the shoe polish or that buzz buzz toy?
Have ever seen a Kiwi? I mean the bird?
Are there extinct?
Funny, I think all the native animals have been killed or exterminated or eaten.
I love to eat endangered animals.
Too bad the Maori's got to the Moa before me.
Oh yeah, All Blacks are dope!
Off to the airport.
Wondering what I can smuggle this time?
Love,
Chuck Wood.
The Puppet boy from hell!

Smelly Kevin

2009-10-02T03:51:00.000-07:00

Hey Losers,

I just got back from the store with Dave, he got the groceries while i picked up the checkout girl. Anyway thats another story. When we got home the house smelt like shit. Teddy said it was kevin but I didn't believe him. I don't know what is was, but I don't trust Teddy, I know kevin stinks but he has never been this bad before even after one of his cosmic number 2s.

I'm just going to go and barf,

See ya,

Chuck

Ha Ha Ha

2009-09-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

Did you hear, this time it was Ted. E. Bare that was naughty, he ate Dave's cake and chocolates and has been grounded for a week. For once it wasn't me. I've been playing outside his window making lots of noise making him jealous, it serves him right for being greedy.

Chuck

The Park

2009-08-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys,

Im suck in my room cus Dave grounded me, bummer! I only helped Ted. E. Bare to feed the ducks, I thought they might like a change from soggy bread... soggy bear. Funny Huh, shame Dave and Ted. E didn't agree. Oh well, it was worth it.

Ha, Ha, Ha,

Chuck

Hey Guys, Watch These Trailers!

2009-08-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

View Trailer

View Trailer

summer holiday in Ireland

2009-07-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

We just got back from the worst holiday ever, it rained the entire time, the only decent thing was the beer and the pubs, Fred and I kept all the drunken irishmen company in drinking pints and pints of guinness. Dave and Ted made us go to museums and stuff but we kept sneaking off to the pub. Thats the last time we let Ted choose the holiday destination, next time Im choosing and we are going somewhere where girls wear less clothes, mmmmm bikinis!!!

Wish you were there,

Chuck

Turtle soup again

2009-07-09T10:04:00.001-07:00

I AM NOT DUMB. I really thought turtle soup wasn't made from turtles, bet you all didn't know either. Anyone know any good recipes, bet turtle soup is really good, especially if you use those little pet turtles from the aquarium. Yummy.

Love Chuck

Turtle Soup

2009-06-18T08:51:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,

Ted. E. Bare is soooo dumb, the thinks turtle soup is made with real turtle, when everyone knows it isn't. I don't really know wat its made of but I know its not turtle.

Love Chuck

Teddy's secret

2009-06-04T13:38:00.001-07:00

What is he hiding, stinkin bear, I know he's up to something and I'm going to find out what. I caught him with a spade behind his back, Im going to find out what he is doin, someone give me a clue.

Kalgoorlie girls

2009-05-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

So here I am in Perth, thank God. We were just in Kalgoorlie, middle of butt fuck nowhere. We were in this pub with cute as skimpy girls. We were playin pool, wen this un-cute non skimpy girl leans over the pool table and said she was a free prostitute, and was I interested, like hell I was, even I don't sink that low, I pointed her in Ted E Bares direction, ha ha.

WA here we come!

2009-04-21T04:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

Just packing for my flight to Australia,can't wait, I love planes, all the free drinks, champagne, beer, those pretzil thingies and hot air hostesses with good legs ;) Dave doesn't know yet but I stole his credit card again and upgraded myself to first class and cancelled Ted. E. Bares seat so he will have to go in the hold as luggage, dumb bear.

Rainy Day

2009-04-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed off, Teddy has got me in trouble again, How was I to
know clothes pegs on his ears would make him cry, stupid bear. Was
very funny though, next time Il hang him on the line.

Spring is here.. Kill the bunny!

2009-04-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

I love Easter.
Kill the bunny.
Candy and candy.
Kill the bunny.
I love to eat Candy.
Kill the bunny.
You can tell the Dentist where to go.
With the bunny.

So Long!

2009-01-20T18:48:00.001-08:00

Bah. I’m grounded again. Dave says I am grounded from here to eternity. I am not allowed on the computer EVER AGAIN so I guess it’s good-bye folks. Looks like Ted E. Bare is in bad trouble too. I heard David Strassman, the assman yell at poor Ted. E. too. That’s a first.

Be well and take care, everyone.

See you at our shows.
Chuck Wood

Hangovers

2009-01-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

Blah.

I am soooooooo hungover from wine. I just want to puke. Strassman, the jerk found Ted E. Bare and I walking around in Solvang. I was drunk and leaning on the little Bear. Poor guy had to carry me around most of the weekend. Lucky for us, Dave read Ted. E. Bare’s Blog and figured it out. He would really make a great P.I. hahaha

Now I am grounded and I don’t care, because I need to rest. My head is killing me.

Later,
Chuck

Ted. E. Bare Get a Clue!

2009-01-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

Psst…Ted E. Bare. Got a clue for you. Don’t post so much information on your blog.
My gawd! You know Dave reads our blogs every so often. Our trip needs to be our little secret.

Love,
Chuck

Trouble, Talk to Me!

2009-01-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

I am getting really bored now. It may be time to get into some trouble again. David Strassman tells me to work out, read a book or something. I am not the type.

Let’s see what I can do to stir up some trouble. Hahaha

Love ya,
Chuck Wood

Chaos is Good.

2009-01-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

There are two things that make me feel good. One is chaos and the other is a crisis situation. No, not really. Just kidding.

The other is down-time. I love the recuperating experience where I can just lounge around the house and watch Dave take care of things. He’s pretty good at it, too. He’s a perfectionist. Really anal. It is somewhat repulsive.

Your truly,
Chuck Wood

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-09T01:16:00.000-08:00

My New Year’s Resolution is to never, ever play tricks on David Strassman!

Yeah right! Tee-hee
Chuck Wood

I am sooooo eeeeevil.

2009-01-09T01:12:00.000-08:00

I’m an evil puppet. I know because David Strassman says so.

All I did was act possessed! If that had been part of a stage act, David would not have cared, but now I am outcast and he is not talking to me. David was getting ready to take me to someone who could chase the demon out of me and I had to laugh so hard, I almost fell out of my chair. No, not the sissy chair; a regular chair.

I couldn’t keep up the act, because Ted E. Bare was so frightened, he almost peed his pants.

Shoot me over it. I don’t care.

Chuck

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-23T20:21:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays Everyone! See you next week.

Much love,
Chuck

I am Honest!

2008-12-23T20:20:00.001-08:00

Oh yea, I forgot to mention yesterday that I REALLY DID BECOME A BOY FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I really am honest about that.

Sincerely,
Your Chuck

I am No Dummy!

2008-12-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

LOL…I am laughing as I write this…

My deepest apology to all of you, if by chance I had you worried. I was playing a joke on Dave. He was starting to believe me that I was possessed by the devil. I was getting so good at acting the role; I was starting to believe it myself.

But, I got a little worried when Dave called around mental hospitals in the area. I had to shape up or ship out. Not before the Holidays! No way can I be locked up while everyone gets their presents.

I’m no dummy!
Chuck

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW!

2008-12-12T21:26:00.000-08:00

I thought I was in a haze, or a dream state. I was so sick yesterday that I think I left my body. This feels stupid to say, but I saw a white light and walked toward it and I saw all the puppets that died before me, like my hero Pinocchio…

I was granted a wish; and of course, I said: “Make me a boy!” Suddenly, I became a boy and walked and talked just like a person. It was unbelievable! I even kissed a girl. It was weird, but fun.

I KNOW NOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE HUMAN and I LOVE IT!

Chuck

FLU

2008-12-11T17:13:00.001-08:00

Nope, it’s not the food. I think I have the flu. My temperature is 105 degrees.

Going to lay down now. Nauseated. Shiveringly yours…

…Chuck

I am Sick!

2008-12-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

I feel weird today. Kinda feeling sick. I puked earlier. Maybe it’s all the rich holiday food?

Chuck

Changed My Mind...

2008-12-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

Actually, I changed my mind. I want to stay a boy longer than an hour. How about a FULL DAY?

Wouldn’t that be great? I would sell my soul to the devil for that experience.

Chuck.

Just One Wish...

2008-12-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

If I could only have one wish come true for the holidays, it would be that I become human. I want to experience that, even if it’s for an hour.

Love,
Chuck

Numero Uno

2008-12-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

I feel better. David Strassman is not an assman all the time. He was actually very sweet over the weekend. He took me and Ted E. Bare to Griffith Park and we did a little show for the locals. It reminded me of the good ol’ days when I was number one. Numero uno because I was the only puppet. I miss those days. No competition, no quarreling. Just me, Dave and our act.

Love,
Chuck

Tell Me Right Now!

2008-11-24T17:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants to know what David Strassman, the Assman , and I were fighting about. Okay, ready?

We were fighting about residuals and the fact that I KNOW I am being under-compensated and under-valued. Think about it! “CHUCK YOU TOUR!” What’s up with that? If I were so un-popular next to Ted. E. Bare, then why name a tour that?

HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOO!

Help me out, people. If you think I am more popular than Ted E. Bare, then please leave a FRIGGING COMMENT.

I want to prove my point.

Thank you,
Chuck Wood

F##K THIS!

2008-11-21T00:02:00.000-08:00

I am totally misunderstood. I am totally misunderstood.

I am totally misunderstood. I am totally misunderstood. I am totally misunderstood.

I am totally misunderstood. I am totally misunderstood. I am totally misunderstood.

Fuck this job. Fuck this game.

Chuck

Frustration

2008-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

I can feel myself bottling up a lot of anger right now. I keep hearing how great Ted E. is. What about me? Why do people want to believe that I am such a bad puppet?

Don’t they know that’s just an act? Or, am I becoming that actor full-time? What happened to my therapy? IT DID NOT HELP ME.

Frustrated,
Chuck Wood

Puke

2008-11-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I am not sure I am so good at being a good puppet. I am booooored outta my mind. Going along with everything is not what I want to do with my life. I like living on the edge. (See Profile Info).

I feel like puking.
Chuck

I Think Bad Thoughts Sometimes...

2008-11-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

In response to Ted E. Bare’s post: A month ago I would not have said: “Dave, you’re an idiot! I would have said, ‘Dave you are the biggest moron on the planet!’”

I may still think those things sometimes, but I don’t say them anymore. Does that still make me a bad guy?

You can respond honestly. I can handle it.

Chuck Wood

PSYCHO!

2008-11-10T17:04:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend watching movies and just relaxing. I like watching the classics, like Hitchcock. His movies are the best. I remember almost peeing in my pants when I watched Psycho. I forgot how scary that dude is. It’s kinda kinky how he dresses up as an old lady.

Chuck aka Chuck

Home Sweet Home

2008-11-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have to agree with Ted E. Bare. I love being home. Sometimes, when I go outside to kick some rocks around, I smell the air. It smells like firewood. You would think I, being a puppet, wood hate that smell, but I really like it. It means the holidays are getting close…and if I am really good, I will get some presents. I like cash best of all. Because with cash I can go down to Santa Monica Blvd. and pick up a couple a hookers.

Just kidding.
Chuck

OBAMA is Our New Prez!

2008-11-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

Our new President is Obama. (Rhymes with Osama.. go figure?) He made history by being the first African American President Dude. Now that he's in, I'll have to write him a formal letter, again, and welcome him to the big chair. Maybe he'll help pass laws that protect puppets from their owners.

Proposition 69: Enhances the lives of all puppets who perform more than 24 nights live on stage. This will also give puppets, like me, a slice of the pie.

Fair enough, right?

Love,
Chuck

Halloween is My Favorite Holiday!

2008-11-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

It’s Halloween! I love it. What pleases me most, is when I see a person who is dressed up as me. I get a hard on. Oops. Maybe I should stay in my integrity like I learned in therapy….?

NAH! I am me and I will always be me. I am a validated individual, right Dave? *wink*

So, about my inner journey…

I feel good. Like some of my past healed. It is a new sun-shiny day and thank God for Dave Strassman. He has been a blessing in my behavior recovery.

I guess, I sorta became Chuck Wood “the puppet”. The actor . When you play a role for a long time, you take on some of those characteristics and they are hard to shake off. During therapy, I found myself again. My true self, which is basically a nice puppet, but I will never show that side during my act. Otherwise, it would be boring.

Now get out there and get tricked or treated!

Chuck.

I'm baaaack!

2008-10-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone! I bet you thought I fell off the face of the earth. Rest assured Chuck Baby is going nowhere. I am here to stay. Dave dragged both me and Ted E. to group therapy in an undisclosed location in the desert somewhere by those weird windmills. We had no access to a computer and I didn't want to take the chance, because every wrong move was counted against me. They (the staff) were watching me like hawks the entire three weeks! I thought it would be a one week session, but that soon changed because...

The first week I didn't speak a word. I just sat there looking at Dave. It creeped him out; which was a good thing at the time. But as time passed, realizing that I would be stuck there for a long time, I started to go inward. (No where else to go, you know what I mean?)

Suddenly, I felt like I had been enlightened in some way. A door to my consciousness opened and I started to feel something. I felt somewhat sorry about all the misery I caused Dave and Ted E. Yes, believe it…!

We're in Australia again and I am really tired from the show. It was a good show and I am still high from it. I will write more about my "inner journey" tomorrow. Thanks to Dave Strassman for being such a good ventriloquist and for giving me the voice recognition software back. "When you fly right, you can have just about anything you want." That's what Dave's been telling me.

Peace out.

Chuck

Me Pack?

2008-09-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

David says to pack my bags. We’re going to leave town for a week. This is getting ugly. I am not going to speak in therapy. I will just sit there and say nada. That’s how I roll.

Oh-oh. Here comes assman now…he is threat….unpluggin puter……..

Later! Chu…

Spread the Word!

2008-09-10T21:12:00.001-07:00

Strassman did read my blog yesterday! Violation of privacy! He is also threatening solitary confinement. Spread the word. David Strassman is an abuser.

Chuck

Gotcha!

2008-09-09T13:44:00.001-07:00

Strassman, I know you’re reading my blog and I don’t care. Ted E. Bare, the little twirp tattle-taled on me and now we are all going to an undisclosed location for group therapy. Yippee! I can’t wait.

I’m running away tonight!

Cchuck.

Any Ideas People?

2008-09-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is pretty annoying. I just found out from Ted E. Bare that David Strassman, the assman has been reading my blog. Ted E. Bare is spilling his guts all over the place. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good, oh so very good.

I don’t think Strassman has been reading them very much, though. He has other things on his mind, like how to make the fax stop ringing. What can I add to his pile of sHit? I’m sure I will come up with something over the weekend.

In the meantime, fire away. Suggestions are welcome.

Peace out.
CW

Faxes Work Wonders on REM.

2008-09-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

First things first. I called this cool number that will call Assman every night at exactly 3 am when he is in deep REM sleep. A fax will go off in his ear. When he hangs up, it will call back every 15 minutes, just when he goes back to sleep again. This will do wonders for his beauty sleep. Hahahaha. Rolling on the floor laughing my assman off.

Chukc.

Ted E. Bare is My Bro.

2008-09-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

Spent the day schmoo-zing with Ted E. Bare, my new best friend. He calls me his brother now. Sheesh. Funny wre don’t look alikE! I am definitely more human than he is. I have more human qualities, like being a self-serving little bastard. It’s all about me, dammit! What else could it be about?

This week is going to be a big week in achieving a breaking point in David Strassman (notice the word asS in the lasst name?) One reason I want him to flip out is so I can take over the house. If he’s in a nuthouse, or at a Palm Springs resort relaxing from the stress, I can have the house to myself.

Party time! Bring on the hotties.

Over and out,

Cuck

Dave's Fault!

2008-08-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

I really got Dave going now. He is not eating or sleeping good. He is jittery and nervous and always on guard. He never knows what I am going to dO. Maybe I will run away. What if I pour my heart out to Ted E. Bare and make him understand how Dave drove me to this? What if…

Always thinking,

Chuck

I Have an Idea!

2008-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

I’m going to steal Dave’s car tonight and crash it into a tree and see how he liks ti. Moran! He thinks he can push me around. I’ll show him!

Chuck.

Busted!

2008-08-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah, okay. Looks like Stressman found out and I had to give him the software bak. I was also grounded from the computer, but that’s not stopping me. Hehehe

He also threatened to send me somewhere. Well, that ain’t gonna happen. I will run away if he thinks that’s a good solution.

I will go far, far away; maybe to Europe to finally get to know BB.

Love that girl!

Fck Stressman.

Chcuk

P.S. I hate typin without the voice regognition software. Pffff.

Is David Strassman Going to Fire Me?

2008-08-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

Dave is not talking to me. Ironically, I found out that it was Alfred Hitchcock’s birthday exactly a week ago. Is that why Stressman is keeping me in suspense? Or, is he so bloody pissed off, he can’t find a way to express himself?

What’s he gonna do, fire me? LOL

Chuck

Am I Busted?

2008-08-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Now that the shows in Adelaide are over, I am hearing that I am going to be in big trouble once we get back to Los Angeles. Did Stressman find out I used his credit card? I have to think of a good excuse and any comments are welcome.

What to do? What to do?

Chuck

I May Resort to This!

2008-08-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am going to rip off Strassman’s headset during the show and see how he likes it. I am beginning to despise him more and more. Fucker.

Chc=k (Woodn fingerz!)

I am the Real Star!

2008-08-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

At one point during the show, I wanted to kill Stressmen because he tends to believe he is the star of the show. When everyone knows without me he is nothing. Who was it who made him famous? Was he a stand alone comedian? No siree. People in the street stopped and stared because they were looking at me, not him.

I wish he would admit it. I would be a much happier puppet. One day, I will have to put him in a choke hold and get him to admit it in front of a live audience.

Creep.

Your friend,

Chuck

Revenge is Near!

2008-08-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well…as it turned out BB is pretty damn good-looking, but not as pathetic as I hoped for. She met us back stage, but David asked her to leave after she started flirting with me. Stressman repulses me and it’s his fault I didn’t score. Oh just wait, tomorrow night I will make his life a living hell. Just wait until I get on stage, buddy. You are going to BOMB. That’s right. BOMB.

REVENGE is only a few hours away!

Chuck a.k.a. Sah-tahn.

David Strassman

2008-08-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

Strassman is so naïve when it comes to knowing me. I can wrap him around my little finger anytime I wish. Obviously, he is clueless about the credit card I’ve been using. Ha-ha-ha. He didn’t notice I brought my Dragon Speak software with me and I am using it. Notice, there are no typos? Ha-ha-ha. What a dickhead.

Well, anyway. I am getting “dolled up” for my date tonight. Hopefully, she will show up. I love Blond Bombshell. She is so sexxxy. I know she’s into wood.

Enthusiastically yours,

Chuck Wood

Thanks BB for the Comment! You made my day.

2008-08-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

In response to Blond Bombshell's Comment on Wednesday:

My answer is: Yes! Meet me at the "David Strassman" show in Adelaide. I'm the star of the show. Back stage pass will be at the door in your name. Is your real name realy “Blonde Bombshell”? That’s sexxxy.

Signed,

Chcuk is game.

Is anyone out there?

2008-07-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Helllloooo! People! You aren’t listening. I said I want some replies pronto. Do you think I am just sittin here wanting to talk to myself? I don’t hink so!!! Fucking wood fingerz. I can’t concentrate. I need one of those programs where I can talk into the headset. I have an idea. Strassman’s credit card. Hopefully, he wont be here whn the pakage arrives. If so, I am so busted. Stay tuned and leave me a damn message for Chuck’s sake. Not Pete. Chuck. Pete’s sake. Get it?

Your frind,

Chuck.

Hello World!

2008-07-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ooookay, I have definitely arrived. I have started my blog now. Hee hee hee.

The thing I like about it most is that I have more control over my life and it’s almost like being human. I can reach out to the world while Strassman, “Stressman” is not around and see who comes back with a reply.

I welcome all responses coming from good looking women that are feeling a little lonely or pathetic. I get along best with those types.

Disregard som of mu typos because I don’t exactly have the fingerz it takes to write this shit. So fire away, world. Show me what you’re made of! I am off to find out what Twitter is about. Yes, I am reaching out and no one can stop me.

-Chuck Wood (and you know I would if I could!) *evil grin*